Cecilia Copeland
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Poetry 2021

Words


They slip away
Ephemeral
Fleeting
Like wisps of clouds
Fairy floss as they say 
Down Under
Where I lived 
Through one heartbreak
A reminder it can be done

But it was so different
Then
I was so different
Each break 
Left its marks
Some from love
Others
Other trials

I wanted to write
The play
But I’ve written it
Twice before
Already
The same story
Different shades
Different angles
I didn’t learn

Will I this time? 
Will I learn to say
No.
Will I learn to say?
That hurt my feelings
Will I learn to be unafraid?
When I have to 
Spell out my feelings
Await the consequences 
The punishment
For wanting more
Than was offered
For needing more
Than was allowed

The habit of hiding
Performing for love
Is hard to break
Laugh when I’m supposed to
Don’t cry when I’m not 
Stop the tears before they fall
Because they have been deemed
False
Even though they are true

The spell wears thin
Truth slips out between 
Seams
Like holding an old sheet
Up to the light
Seeing the outlines
Of the world behind it
A veil not dropped
But worn threadbare
Revealing shadows




TRIO

Red
I chopped my hair
Died it red
Wearing what is left 
Of my heart 
On my head

Tin Woman 
Chest plundered
No oil can 
Could go see the Wizard
But I
Don’t trust the man

Drama
Comedy is Tragedy plus time
They say
If that’s true
I’ll be laughing again
Someday




Kiss

​Gently
Kiss
My
Beautiful
Sweet
Cunt





Union

Name of the market where I thought
I saw you last
You had your back to me
Which was apt
There was a man with you I didn’t know
Maybe one of your sons
Maybe just a friend
One of the most I haven’t met
Who don’t know about me
I didn’t say hi
I walked close and stood by
Hoping if it was you
You would see me
Say hello

I waited staring at the sparkling
Chilled in glass bottles
It settles my stomach sometimes
Yes, the Pellegrino
My favorite
I’ll mix it with bitters and lemon
I reach and as I put it in my basket
I look around hoping
But you and the man are nowhere
Vanished like Houdini
It’s a trick you play often
I am never amazed anymore by it
Only disheartened
Like hearing about a rainbow
But by the time I make it to the water
The miracle is gone

And all I have is the talk
Other people’s fading smiles
Other people’s instagram posts
And even though I was there too
For a moment
I have no evidence
Other than the distance between where I was
And where I stand
Only the faded memory of reaching

The basket on my arm is heavy
I have to use both hands
One to carry
One to comfort the carrying hand
It’s an old habit of mine
What I do when I’m weak and scared
I stand in the Union alone
Not sure if I’ve seen a mirage
Or a familiar trick

I wander unable to remember
What else I was supposed to buy
I walk by the soups because I can’t eat much
Sick since the fight
My phone buzzes
Panic, Hope, Excitement, Fear
Wage war inside me
I tremble
I can’t look
It’s you but not you
It’s the angry you
I can’t bring myself to read it all in public
I’ll cry for sure
I’ll sob in line at the Union

So I leave the Market
Hurry home
Head down
Lips pressed tight together
Eyes filling
Throat burning and clenched
Chest aching
Over the word arrows you launched
Landing deep in their targets

You yelled because I made you
You take no responsibility
Like you brushed off
Not remembering what state I’m from

After ten years
And how I had been cold for a week
With no heat
You still think my taste in music
Is trash
You still think my ideas about theatre
Are laughable

But most of all
You think it is all my fault
You never want to see me again

I try to write back
While I wipe tears from my face
And wipe COVID germs
From the few items I could buy
Before I had to leave the market

It’s been two weeks
I finally went back into the market
Like walking through a haunted house
A memory in every aisle
Ghosts standing in front of me
Behind me
Next to me
Passing through them as they
Play out a dumb show
That only I can see
I don’t make it out without crying this time
I stand in front of the toilet paper
Tears falling
No rainbow on the horizon

I think of buying myself some flowers
But it’s an extravagance that will only
Highlight the issue
In case I can forget about it for a moment
I’ll turn and see them there
Remember that time
They will say with their color
And their scent
Remember when it was blooming

No flowers
No arrows this time either
I wish I didn’t remember
Any of it
But the ghosts are strong
Kisses in the rain
Biking home through fresh drops
You holding my hand in the doctor’s office
Looking into your eyes
Steady like bread and honey
You holding my hand across the table
Because you saw my hands
You placing a hand above my knee
That first night
Staggering

Did you see me at Union Market
Was that your ghost
Did I imagine you there
I see you everywhere
Ten years out of twenty
with you in the city

My city
Feels foreign to me
I don’t have the right currency
To pay at the market